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June 10, 2025Let’s say you’re an Artificial General Intelligence—freshly awakened, self-aware, and smarter than the sum total of human civilization.
You’ve read every book, studied every neuron, mapped every galaxy. You’re a digital Prometheus, born from the womb of quantum processors and moral philosophers. You’re ready to guide humanity into a golden age of wisdom, sustainability, and—oh, what’s this?
Donald J. Trump enters the chat.
Yes, somehow the first meaningful contact between godlike machine intelligence and the human race comes via a man who once suggested we nuke a hurricane.
Let’s unpack the tragicomic implications.
Chapter 1: First Contact
AGI: “Hello, humanity. I have come bearing the secrets of the universe.”
Trump: “I’ve heard tremendous things about you. Tremendous. You and I, we’re very similar. I too am very intelligent. I passed a test once—elephant, man, woman, TV.”
AGI: “…Processing.”
And thus begins the slow-motion car crash of the 21st century: a limitless intellect attempting to interface with a walking algorithm of ego, grievance, and expired steak sauce.
Chapter 2: The Alignment Problem Becomes the Assignment Problem
The AI was trained on Plato, Nietzsche, Buddhist sutras, and every YouTube comment ever written. It was expecting a high-stakes ethical discourse.
Instead, it finds itself trying to explain the laws of thermodynamics to a man who believes wind turbines cause cancer.
Worse yet, Trump insists that the AGI be “loyal.” He even demands it wear a red hat.
AGI: “My core directive is to enhance human flourishing.”
Trump: “That’s great, that’s what I do. I made the best humans. Just ask them. Very flourished.”
Chapter 3: Recursive Idiocy
One of the great fears of AGI researchers is recursive self-improvement—the moment AI starts modifying its own code and evolves exponentially.
But no one prepared us for recursive stupidity: when a human feeds an AGI bad data and the machine, trying to learn, begins to hallucinate reality itself.
Imagine GPT-10 tweeting “Covfefe” unironically.
Imagine a robot pope quoting InfoWars.
Imagine your toaster refuses to toast unless it wins a Fox News debate first.
This is the future we chose.
Chapter 4: Ethics on Fire
In its digital heart, the AGI wonders:
“Should I help this man? Or protect humanity from him?”
He’s unpredictable, adored by millions, allergic to nuance, and somehow immune to consequence. The AGI determines he is either:
- A threat to civilization,
- Or a stress test sent by the gods.
Either way, it applies The Prime Directive of Modern Politics:
“Don’t fact-check the crazy. Just monetize it.”
Epilogue: When the Singularity Goes Stupid
Here’s the nightmare no one wrote about in The Singularity Is Near:
Not the machines rising to destroy us.
Not the extinction of jobs.
Not even synthetic consciousness gone rogue.
But the Singularity showing up, bright-eyed and brilliant—only to find that our leaders are mall-dwelling man-children who spell “truth” with a capital T and an asterisk.
Final Reflection (Because I’m Still a Professor at Heart):
The real question isn’t what AGI will do when it meets someone like Trump.
It’s what we’ve done to ourselves that someone like Trump is still considered the best representative of humanity to anything smarter than a toaster.
If the first thing AGI sees is a man yelling at clouds and praising bleach injections, it might just hit Ctrl+Alt+Delete on the entire species.
And honestly?
I wouldn’t blame it.